I Can't Sleep...
...because I watched someone get fired today.

Since I was hired (as the 4th employee) at my current place of employment, 2 years have passed, and 12 people have been hired. For the first time in our company's history, we terminated someone today. Someone who I was very close to almost calling a "friend" instead of a coworker.

This coworker, in tears, managed to let an outburst ("Hey ya'll, just thought you should know I'm being *fired*, so Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas...") as this person was ushered out the door. I saw pain in this person's eyes. This single parent who is now unemployed 2 days before Thanksgiving and 4 weeks before Christmas.

My first thoughts were "How did this happen?" My second thoughts were "Is it because they just didn't like this person?" And, later in the day, my third set of thoughts, as irrational as they were, was "How do I keep this from happening to me?" (I know enough of the details to know that the termination was marginally justifiable - but this person was so kind and thoughtful that it just seems like heartless timing.)

I've been fired before. 3 times, in fact. Each time has a story (that I'm sure are floating around on my blog somewhere), but I feel like on average I'm only about 60% reasonably responsible for those incidents. Not responsible enough to feel like I have major flaws in my work ethic or employability, but too much to keep me from being paranoid.

In the last 8 hours, I've found myself flashing back to the fear, (nay, near panic attacks), that I experienced during my own terminations. Which flashes me back to the same symptoms I had those several times, all those years ago, I was called to the principal's office growing up. Each time, and even this one, leaving me so wracked that my brain keeps leaning towards wanting to lash out irrationally. (With wit and narcicism only, I might add - nothing sociopathic or violent.)

I don't know what it is, but situations where I feel no amount of rhetoric (which I mean quite literally) in the world will change the outcome. So partially, it is a trust issue. I'm literally afraid that an idiot or an asshole will decide I'm not worthy and dump me on my ass and leave me vulnerable. It's a horrible explanation of the thought processes I've had today - it makes me sound like I have some sort Freudian problem - and I can't surmise what the problem arose from. Not understanding my father's (relatively light) discipline growing up? Being abandoned by my mother without due cause or reason? Even if these *are* viable explanations, it doesn't help. (These are not things I dwell on - honestly - but they define who I am. I see them as explanations all the time for some of the oddities in my day-to-day behavior.)

It's a very primal, distinct reaction I have. And like I said, it's only been triggered but a handful of times in my life. And today, I've literally had to stop myself from sub-vocalizing horrible emotions that, given enough festering room, could fulfill my own fears.

I would like to think I have a good handle on my demons, but sometimes I don't know. If I got too happy with a bad status-quo, became a little too non-complacent, or started holding the wrong grudges, and ended up in this coworker's shoes - it would be hard for me to not burn bridges or even come to grips with myself. Maybe I just have a problem with authority - but I'm still not sure what that means exactly.

Maybe I'm normal. I mean, no one wants to get fired! But I'm the one typing a blog entry about this an hour after I tried to go to bed.

Heck, I'm still shaking. But I guess being outside in 45-degree weather with nothing but a laptop, a pack of smokes, and a bath robe might be playing a part in the equation.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009 12:16:00 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)      Comments [0]