Illuminating Oneself - personal

You And Me, Babe

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 23:07:00 GMT

I’ve been struggling the past couple of weeks. On Tuesday, March 30th, my grandmother Margaret Tess Brown / Markham / Fullerton passed away. We called her “Memaw”.

Memaw was a unique figure in my life. She may very well have been the nicest person I’ve ever known. She was genuinly joyful all the time. Whether she realized it or not, I think her example gives us alot to go on.

To be honest, Memaw was probably so pleasant mainly for two reasons. She never held a grudge against anyone for anything, and she had selective hearing. Whether you were telling her for the third time that she didn’t need to re-wash and re-fold your clean laundry while she’s visiting, or that you burnt a house down, she would just faintly smile, nod, and keep going. She made a conscious effort every day of her life to focus on the positive, and to show compassion to all those around her.

Memaw only thought of other people.

One thing that stood out about Memaw was that she would reliably send cards on every major holiday. Up until she started getting particularly sick, there were plenty of times that I had forgotton St. Patrick’s Day or Halloween were coming up, until I received a card from Memaw in the mail. I’m sure any of her other grandchildren could probably say the same thing.

Another thing that stood out about Memaw, at least when I talked to her, was her penchant to ask about people she knew I cared about, despite the fact that she had only met them once or twice, just so she could know how they were doing. Sometimes she would ask how my half-sister Megan was doing (though she had only met Megan a couple of times and it had literally been 12 or 15 years since she had), or Memaw would ask me if I still talked to some random high school friend of mine she had met at one of my birthday parties years prior. And sometimes she would call me out of the blue, just to say ‘hi’, and ask me how my job was going.

Memaw was mindful of all of us.

For the last week and a half since Memaw’s passing, I knew I needed to come up with something to say here this afternoon. And sadly, I had trouble narrowing down one or two specific memory to exemplify my relationship with her. Most of the time I’ve spent with her was during my earlier childhood – when she lived up here, later when she didn’t, when she visited often – but it was still my early childhood. And honestly, who remembers much about their early childhood? But as I sat down to write, having thoroughly procrastinated, two memories came to mind.

The first, is from my mid-teens, when she was in town one winter to be helpful around the house when Melissa was on bed rest. I had managed to talk Memaw into pouring some coffee for me to take with me to the bus stop. And I kid you not, when I got up to that bus stop and took a sip, that coffee tasted soapy. It’s not something you miss. Annnnd I was bold enough to tell Memaw about it later. Naturally I wasn’t sure she believed me, but I let it slide. I mean, c’mon, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But she drew entertainment from the notion, and for the last 8 years, every time coffee has been mentioned when her and I were both around, she made sure to chortle that it had better not be soapy. She thought it was hilarious. And I guess it was.

My other memory, one more distant, is from when I was a wee lad. It was on a particular night that Memaw was babysitting me, and some sort of program, I think that involved music, was on TV. I can’t tell you what it was, maybe it was a Sonny and Cher re-run, I honestly don’t know, but I remember one of the people on the TV saying something to the effect of “just you and me, babe”. And I turned around and said it to Memaw “just you and me, babe”. And Memaw repeated it back to me for years, with a warmness that was unique to her.

My only regret is that we didn’t get her any great-grandchildren before she passed. But I’d say she got good mileage out of the family she had.

We love you Memaw, and we’ll keep you with us always.

Big Steps

Thu, 01 May 2008 03:59:00 GMT

Well, the end of April is here, and surprise – I haven't blogged since Christmas! (And I was late on that one, too.) It's been an interesting four months.

As I mentioned in my last blog article, I got a new job at the beginning of the year, working for a local startup company called Interactive Achievement. Our product is web-based SOL benchmarking software. That is, we do online testing (and reporting) for the public school system. We have a number of clients, and that list is growing constantly.

A few weeks after my last blog entry, I managed to reach the point where I had saved enough money to purchase car insurance (a pre-requisite to getting my license back). It was expensive. And then I had the pay the DMV a ton of money to get my license back, too. And I didn't even have a car yet!

So over the next couple of months, I saved up my paychecks, working at both Interactive Achievement and WSLS. And, in the middle of March, I was starting to get frustrated. I had about $1500 in the bank, with another paycheck around the corner. I remember my first car, a '87 Plymouth Reliant, was 17 years old when I got it, and was only $800. But when I was car shopping in March, I quickly picked up on the fact that the only things under $2500 were the gas guzzlers people were trying to get rid of. The closest I could find was $3500 vehicles and up.

And I got lucky! Ryan's friend Aaron, who plays D&D with us, was selling his old '94 Oldsmobile Regency. I got lucky that I was one of the first people to hear about it from him, and all he wanted was $750. (A steal!!) It has some quirks – passenger side door lock and [power] window don't want to work all the time, but they are manageable. And the car has a lot of perks! Power *everything*. Power seats, power lumbar support, power gas tank cover, power trunk release – even controls for the AC and the radio on the steering wheel! And this is a 14-year-old car!

And since I spent so little money on all that, I went ahead and upgraded my computer. I went from 1gb RAM on a 1.4ghz machine, with 500gb hard drive space – to a 64-bit Quad Core AMD Phenom processor at 2.4ghz – with 8gb of RAM and a new 1tb hard drive to boot! Combined with a new Radeon HD 8700 gpu and the 21" LCD widescreen monitor that Ryan got me for Christmas – and my computer is smokin'! (Running 64-bit Windows Vista Ultimate, with HD animated wallpapers – and I get to turn games like Eve Online and Unreal Tournament 3 all the way up and not experience any lag.) If you were keeping track of the numbers I mentioned in my car hunt, you'll realize I used some extra money somewhere – voila, 2007 Tax Returns. I filed them early, electronically, and got my money in soon. (I also mailed in my 2005 and 2006 taxes, which are obviously way past due, but I might see some money from them eventually.)

Meanwhile, Ryan and I briefly looked at moving into a for-rent townhouse. And with only a couple days of searching we narrowed down to 1 candidate, and began the applications process. We've since been approved, and our move-in date is the beginning of June. (Which is me and Ryan's two-year anniversary together.)

And, in all the excitement, at the same time, I have been dealing with knowing I need to quit WSLS. I was literally going crazy. Four months, with no time off, is a lot. And I've done longer and more, before – but it is no excuse. So I put in two week's notice at WSLS, two weeks ago. It's sad leaving a job – especially on good terms, as it is not something I am used to. Working in the limelight has been a lot of fun. And there is no place I would have rather has been during events like April 16^th at VT.

But I guess I am blogging all this because one of my newest friends, Crystal, who I've worked at WSLS with for almost 2 years, is moving away. She has made a mutually beneficial arrangement with her mother in northern Virginia – and she will finish moving on Sunday, which is only 4 days away. I've gone out to bars with her, and gone to The Park with her. I've farted in her edit bay, loaned her cigarettes, and together laughed at the expense of many-a-subject in the news room at WSLS.

I've been making big steps, since I started working at WSLS. And whilst I owe the success to a little hard work, and my boyfriend Ryan's connections – I have been proud to have Crystal as a good friend. She is making big steps too! And I wish her the best of luck.

Go get'em, C Munkey!

'Debbie Downer' Strikes Again

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 07:57:00 GMT

So I have to post it, while its still fresh enough in my mind.

The last time I was angry enough at a friend to blog about it, was the post 4 months ago Of Friends And Foes, describing how miserable I was after hanging out with my friend Leslie for the first time in a year and a half (and retrospecting on further distant incidents). Well, it isn't news, but yes, she's still depressed and her life still has some overwhelmingly negative qualities, at least in the self-esteem department.

She got a job, funny enough. She became a full-time nanny. She got a car, (from her parents, I believe.) And she and her boyfriend moved in together, into a rented double-wide, on its own plot of land, for a lump sum of $3300/month. No, thats not a typo.

During this period, I'll say 2 months ago, we hung out again. She was baby-sitting her siblings (here in Roanoke) for a week or two while their parents were on a cruise in Greece. Over the course of a couple days, we did a couple lunches, and just general hanging-out type things. She didn't abuse my hospitality, and least I didn't think so.

But then a week and a half ago, it all went back to "normal". I was making plans for my good friend Ben to visit. Best friend of mine, in the whole world, and he hadn't seen me in 9 months (I turned 21 six months ago, just so you understand). So I was very excited about all this. And I get a call from Leslie. Guess what? Not only did she break up with her apparently verbally-abusive boyfriend, she also quit her job as a nanny, moved in with her parents up here in Roanoke (yes, if you've read my previous blogs, or you know her, this should shock you - they think she is the scum of the earth), and she left her car in Evington at her now-ex's place because she got out of there in a hurry and hasn't been "brave enough" to fetch it yet.

Yes, I know, WTF. I have another female friend, who I shan't name, that Leslie reminds me of. If the people you keep dating turn out to be psycho, (or if a person you are friends-with-benefits with keeps dating psychos), then there is something wrong with you! Yes, that means you are a psycho!

Okay, so putting all this aside, why am I so angry? Read on.

Because Leslie has a job up here now. At Ruby Tuesday's on Electric Road. Due to its proximity, Ryan and I (used to) eat there fairly regularly. And Ben's coming into town. So to be nice to Leslie, and to spice things up, I thought we would have dinner there during one of Leslie's shifts so we could say hi.

She eventually notices us, because she was busy. She passes by a few times and makes mini-conversation, and I feel satisfied that we have succeeded in brightening her day. And then, when we are in the middle of our food, she walks up and sits down with us. Without asking. Using her jacket to cover her uniform. Holding her purse. Apparently, she got off early. (Boy, do I now feel stupid for thinking that coming 3 hours before her scheduled off-time was a good idea.) Okay, so what, a friend joins us for dinner, right?

Well then, in one breath, she declares herself hungry, but without money. (See where this is going?) So I offer to buy her dinner, during which she declares she doesn't want to go home yet. (Its 9:30, her apparent curfew is 11:30, and she doesn't have transportation.) But she can't drink, because she's living with her parents and has to keep her "act together". But me and Ben were going to go drinking.

Like, we were literally planning for Ryan to drop the two of us at a bar, and then to catch a cab home later. But now, we've got a straggler. When we were in the car, trying to decide what to do, (should I get cash from an ATM to pay for two seperate cab cars?) (Ryan wants to go home, but Leslie needs a ride...) (I don't think Ben wants to hang out with Leslie tonight either...) And so we are trying to vocalize our predicament as politely as possible, at least I am, since I am the unknowing orchestrator of the mess. Ryan's trying to drive, but doesn't know where we are going. Ben can't comment, because like me, he was probably holding back negativity. So I ask Leslie, "Okay, where are we going? Home? Bar? What?" And she stares at me. She didn't say anything. She could not commit to either willingly hanging out with us, or willingly going home.

In fact, her next conversation with the group was *after* we got to a bar, (go B-dubs!), and *after* she got off the phone with her dad, (because it was 10PM, and she "had better" be home by 11:30PM).

And of course, she ordered a couple virgin drinks that she also, could not pay for. Never mind that the only reason my beloved boyfriend is there, (because yes, he stayed), was because he didn't know if we could handle getting Leslie home. (Ryan hates bars. He hates smoke, and he hates watching people get drunk.)

So eventually Ryan takes Leslie home, whilst Ben and I stay, get drunk, have girl talk, and be glad that Leslie is gone. And we eventually took a cab home, and enjoyed the rest of our 36-hour period of "hanging out" together. (IHOP, movies, nothing but awesomeness...)

Ryan later referred to Leslie as "Debbie Downer". (I know, alliteration is cute, isn't it?) Debbie Downer is miserable. She makes no major effort for self-improvement, but insists on overtly dwelling on her problems to the point that it kills any and all buzz that anyone around her might have.

She has a deleterious effect on the very fabric of happiness within your soul.

And she's a mooch. And I don't know what I'll do the next time she wants to "do something", because I have a hard time bringing myself to be mean to people I feel sorry for... I guess I just need to stop feeling sorry.

Growing Up

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 20:37:00 GMT

I haven't blogged for a while, so I thought I would. I turn 21 in 9 days. So it has had me thinking, what does it mean? Legally, being 18 makes you an adult - heck you can die for your country, you can even start getting lung cancer. (But hey, its fun!) But seriously - at 21, now you can legally get drunk. (Except in public, or behind the wheel of a car.) But are you really an adult at 21?

I mean, surely, 9 days from now, I'm not going to be more grownup than I am now, or even a couple months ago. What makes the difference?

I guess it is the slow progression of memories and experience. It has already been 3 years since I graduated from highschool. I am currently on my 6th job since high school (which I've had for about 9 months). I'm making $7 an hour more than I was 3 years ago. But that doesn't amount to very much. I don't exactly have a career. $10/hr is not going to last forever. But part of having been through 5 other jobs makes me a better person, one would think. I've taught myself the patience to deal with annoying supervisors, and I'm still learning other skills, like prioritizing cigarette breaks.

I feel like I've come a long way. And then I look at people my age I know, that are entering their senior year of college. In a way, I feel a little inferior. I had only 1 semester of community college. When I was college-entering age, I didn't have the means to go to college, and I hadn't been motivated enough in high school to make anything great of myself. But then I remember my journey. I lived on my own for almost a year and a half. I lived with my mother for a year. And now I've been living with my wonderful boyfriend Ryan for the last 8 months.

I buy groceries, I pay bills. I water plants, and feed pets. I wash dishes, I do laundry. I socialize with my family on *my* time, and I enjoy it.

And I am occasionally nostalgic about past adventures. Climbing around in tunnels under a Wal-Mart parking lot with Jason and Ben, chugging Jaeger bombs while watching movies with Jason and Leslie, trading brags about software development pursuits with Ben's brother Billy, going to a Lynchburg Area Gamers LAN party and staying up for 48 hours, partying at Holly's house and picking on David's homophobia by making sexual comments at him, having that free employee meal off of the buffet at KFC, having a ProxCard with my picture on it at Nationwide, chasing the cats I had around my old apartment, having $6 to your name so you hit the McDonald's drive through and then spend the rest of your night at the dollar theater.

So many memories. And still, so much time to make more. I'm not any less boisterous or any more of an "adult" than I was 3 years ago. But I am less stressed, more secure, and more directed. I do what I can when I can, but it would take alot for anything to really get me off track. I have stability that I never thought I would, not even a year ago, when I met Ryan.

I owe alot to Ryan. And I love him dearly. And sometimes we argue, but most of the time, I just look it him, and smile, and realize how lucky I am. He may be 4 years older, and a bit less boisterous than I am, but we compromise. And I most definitely want to be with him as long as possible. And if this kind of transition doesn't make you a little more "grown up", then I don't know what does.

Code Camp - How Nerdy Is That?

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 06:03:00 GMT

So I went to Code Camp yesterday, (well, day before yesterday, now). I posted a blog entry on the SharpMUD Development Blog about the different technologies, and possible ways to apply them to SharpMUD. This entry here, is on the more human aspect of what was going on.

So yea, its called Code Camp. It was basically an all-day seminar on computer programming. Breakfast (Panerra Bread products), was provided by Breakell Construction, who apparently has an IT consulting division. (I know, how weird is that??) Lunch, (Papa John's pizza), was provided by Microsoft. There was about 100 people there, including 15 speakers, including my father.

I was, I fear, the only male there with at least 90% hair coverage on my head. I kid you not, it was all middle-aged men, (and the women that were there were weird), so there wasn't much of a social aspect to going. I did, however, get to meet a few of my father's coworkers, who seemed like genuinly nice people. And I did get to learn about some nifty computer programming technologies. And I felt very proud of myself, getting involved in discussions about abstract computer programming concepts, with people twice my age that make 10 times what I do, and I held my water quite well. It had a very good effect on my self esteem, I must say.

They gave out a few small prizes in each "lesson". I managed to get a book valued at $40 on progamming in ASP.NET.

Its funny, because my dad almost didn't get a chance to register for the grand prizes at the end of the day. I reminded him to register, and he ended up winning the top prize! An Xbox 360 Premium bundle kit, including a rechargeable battery pack for the wireless controller, and a copy of Gears of War. How awesome is that? I told him, in not so many words, that I couldn't wait to kick his ass on Xbox Live. His response, more or less, was something to the affect that he didn't know when he would have the time to hook the console up, much less play with it. I gaped with horror. Especially after how he used to remind me about how responsible he felt he was, when I played and enjoyed Halo on my Xbox, that he wanted one of his own, and he decided not to waist the money. I know, I know. Some people.

All in all, it was a great experience. I got to get my feet wet in the professional world of computer programmers. It amazes me, from the office gossip that was passing around between coincidental coworkers, that the biggest problem in any job, isn't the skillset, its how (and how well) the people work together. It was true at McDonald's and KFC, it is true where I work now, at WSLS News Channel 10, and it is definitely true about the higher paying, more professional vocations. People just need to learn to get along, and that would solve a bunch of problems.

If only life were that simple.

Circle Of Work, Play, and Life

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 02:43:00 GMT

Its been an interesting week, to say the least.

Sunday and Monday were unusually hectic days at work (especially considering I don't normally work Monday's), but it turned around when I found out a friend of mine (the wife of another friend) is pregnant! Me and Ryan are going to be the gay uncles. ;-)

I finally sat down and beat Twilight Princess. Its a fantastic game. It was done so well, and so much in tune to the original (to me) story of Link To The Past, that it almost felt like a remake. And only in the best of ways. The mythos was very enriching, the graphics, I feel, rival Oblivion, and the Wii-mote enabled controls were innovative. Now that Ocarina of Time is on Virtual Console, I think I am going to talk Ryan into getting it, as he has never played it.

I am quite excited about Saturday. I'm going to Roanoke Code Camp, which is a Microsoft event, (sort of like a seminar), at VWCC. Its from 7:30am to 5:00pm, with provided breakfast, and provided lunch (by Microsoft), with 4 tracks, each with 5 lectures. (You can see all of one track, or you can mix and match.) And its free!! And my dad is one of the speakers. Plus, at the end of the day, they give out door prizes of a sort. Among the list, Xbox 360s, iPods, and copies of Windows Vista. I am really excited about being able to mingle with code jockies from the area.

I'm disappointed, we didn't get to play DnD last night. Shannon had to work, and Neil is too afraid that he got mono from Julie, so he played it safe and stayed home. Leaving Ken and me, and Ryan, (the DM), it was a no-go. I was up till 5am the night before last working on my character sheet, which is actually a PDF file. (You can fill in values and it auto-calculates other values for you.) My character recently contracted lycanthropy, so I have alot of changes to make. Some are cool, like the added feats and physical ability increases - but the +2 level modifier sucks. All of our characters are at level 5, with 9200 XP, with 10000 needed for level 6. But because of my +2 level modifier, its like my character is at level 7, so I need 28000 XP to hit level 6 (technically 8). Its all well and good, but for a Gnome Necromancer, it wasn't exactly part of my character's game-plan for life.

I'm having some exciting ideas for SharpMUD, and I'll talk about them at some point on the SharpMUD Development Blog, but for now, I'm going to keep hush-hush. I don't want to get lost in more pipe dreams when I still need to hammer out my scripting system.

Thats all for now, folks.

As The World... well, Stands...

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 04:07:00 GMT

Since I now have a new blog location, I thought I'd spend a moment going into some detail about the current status of my personal life.

I'm still living with my wonderful boyfriend Ryan. We play alot of video games together, including WoW, and even some Wii. (No jokes please, they're too easy.) Since I don't have a license right now, I am relying on Ryan to get me to and from work, (except on weekdays, when I ride the city bus to work.)

I am working at WSLS News Channel 10. I started working there in August. It actually has to do with me losing my license - I got in a wreck and totaled my car on my way to my frist day at work. Not having car insurance, even though in and of itself is not illegal in Virginia, can still get you into trouble. I owe the DMV a $500 uninsured motorist fee, plus an $85 license reinstatement fee, and proof of insurance. Without meeting those 3 prerequisites, I cannot drive, and I cannot register (that is, put tags on) a vehicle. I did manage to get a car, which the title is in my name, but I'm having to keep it in Huddleston, since the city will tow your car away if it is not legally tagged and stickered. I am looking at using my tax returns from this year and last year to pay off the DMV and put money down on liability insurance. But I digress.

I'm working at the news station. As a video editor. Basically, the producers write scripts and select video sources, and then I get to chop the video up so that it matches the script of what the anchor is going to say on-air. Occasionally, I even have to work with special effects. But nothing like explosions or anything. Just blurs here and spotlights there. Anywho, it pays the bills. And a whole lot better than KFC did.

I'm still working on my C# MUD server project. I've gone through phases of lulls and leaps with SharpMUD. There are still a few more features I need to implement, but what I have so far, is well, a beast. 40,000+ lines of code. 99% of which was hand coded, all of which, by me.

I have also been following an interesting project, SharpOS. The idea is to write an entire operating system using C#. Which sounds like heresy, since C# is a Managed language, and compiles only to bytecode, but they have been making some interesting leaps and strides. I've contributed to the conversations, but not the code, not yet.

As far as me and friends (and former) go, I've got a long list. Ben and I are still tight, but he is off at Basic Training for the National Guard. Brian and I had a falling out after I came out after high school, but we've since made peace with each other. Jason and I also had a falling out, after he was caught saying hateful things about me behind my back (and being friendly to my face), and then he denied it, and then got angry at me for believing it. (Le drama, I know.) I don't talk to Amber anymore, as she has turned a new leaf - a remarkeably negative yet Christian new leaf. Mike Hearn still talks in my direction every now and then, which though as mysterious as he is, is a comfort. (Its nice to know that some friends remain friendly, even though a friend in common like Jason hasn't.) The same goes for Leigh Rogers.

My family is doing well, and I talk to them occasionally.

And life goes on.

Welcome To My New Blog

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 01:25:00 GMT

Thats right. This is where I am posting my new blog entries.

My old personal blog is still publicly viewable at http://blog.myspace.com/illuminus86, and my SharpMUD Development blog is viewable at http://tuzworld.com/sharpmud/devblog/index.html.

I'm still tinkering with the layout, and some of the auto-imported 3rd-party content, but for now, my thoughts and experiences with life, will reside here.